I haven’t written much for the past two weeks because I simply haven’t had the energy or the desire to. After taking several weeks to walk through the beatitudes I promised a new serious on stewardship which I thought would be timely for Christmas but I just can’t bring myself to write it. When I think about talking about money and stewardship I feel too hypocritical to give anyone any advice or insight.
You see, I’m broke. I’m so broke that I lay awake at night wishing that I won’t wake up in the morning, at least that way my life insurance would kick in and my wife would be able to live quite comfortably for a couple of years.
Don’t get me wrong, for the most part I like my life and I have a job. A pretty good one at that, I’m a Financial Security Advisor. But it’s a commission based career and times are tough for everyone.
So I’m trying to get a second job to help make ends meet. I’ve applied everywhere but the frustrating thing is that I can’t get an interview because people see all the professional designations I have and the experience I bring and think I’m “over qualified”. At least that’s what one brave and honest manager at an office supply store told me.
Nothing is more frustrating for a hard working guy like me who really just needs a few extra hours a week to help put food on the table than to be told that I actually worked too hard at getting an education and experience in my past to now be seriously considered for an open position. It’s degrading and insulting. What was it all for?
This advent season has been hard, probably the hardest of my life.
Advent is supposed to be a season of anticipation. It’s the season of anticipation of the greatest gift ever given to mankind, of Emmanuel, God with us. But all I can see is a future filled with darkness. I’ve lost my ability to dream, my ability to anticipate anything good. I find it strangely appropriate that, in the northern hemisphere at least, Christmas falls among the shortest days of the year. It seems that the whole world is in darkness. I keep praying for a blessing, some small sign that the world isn’t out to get me, some comfort that everything is going to be all right. But I’m finding nothing, I’m in darkness.
Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel is the only prayer I have left. Come and give me comfort. Meet me in my darkness and lead the way out. I know I’m not alone in this a lot of people get depressed at Christmas. Knowing the true meaning of the season is the only thing that keeps me moving. I still anticipate a blessing but it’s getting harder every day.
Oh Come, Oh Come Emmanuel…